A simple victory

I am pretty non-confrontational by nature. In fact, I have a very hard time with any kind of confrontation. Even if I know I'm right, it's difficult for me to confront someone about an issue. In fact, it might be more difficult when I know I'm right. I'm not a braggart and I'm not a jerk, so pushing my ideas that I know to be correct into someone else's face feels wildly uncomfortable for me. It's as if I feel that since I know myself to be right, my rival will surely realize it within due time with or without my badgering. Because they can't be that stupid. I mean, right?

Well, that's where I start to think that my thinking has gone wrong. Because I don't actually have that much faith in people and I'm well aware of it. So if I'm averse to telling someone my opinion, and I know it's not because I believe in the person's goodness or intelligence, it must be because, let's face it: I have low self esteem. I may even be sure I'm right, and on a good day I may even be sure I know how to present the facts, but I can't shake the knowledge that my rival does not have to believe me. I can still be sent away, laughed at, branded a non-team player (I know I'm not a team player), or stupid (I know I'm usually one of the smartest people in the room), and there's nothing I can do about that. It doesn't take beauty or intelligence to be popular, something it took me a long time to learn.

So yesterday something interesting happened. I received a promotional e-mail that I had signed up to receive long ago. I wasn't personally interested in the product or the company; I actually did some freelance work on their web site. I seem to recall signing up to be on their mailing list just out of a sense of dedication to knowing as much about the company as I could. I did it a couple years ago. The company had hired an agency who contracted work out to me, so nobody at the company would know who I am.

The company doesn't send out e-mails often; I'd say maybe one per quarter. So the last time I did work on the site was about two years ago, and I allowed the e-mails to keep coming for a while after that since I never knew if the agency would have me work on the site again. Sometime in the past year, however, as part of an overall effort to reduce the volume of e-mail I receive, I decided to use their opt-out instructions and unsubscribe.

Unsubscribing didn't work. The "unsubscribe" e-mail request bounced back to me immediately.

If I recall correctly, I ignored it the first time. I decided I could deal with it again next time it came. And so a few months later an e-mail arrived, I unsubscribed, and the e-mail bounced back to me again. So I located the contact e-mail address on their web site and sent them a letter informing them that their unsubscribe instructions don't seem to be working. That was that for a while.

Yesterday I received another of their e-mails. I thought, "Maybe since I alerted the company to the problem last time, their opt-out instructions work now." So I tried it, and fuck if the goddamned e-mail didn't bounce back to me immediately.

I wasn't angry before, as their e-mails are so infrequent that it's hardly a hassle to press the "delete" button. And besides, this company has essentially fed me in the past. But all of a sudden I just got plain annoyed as hell.

I once again located their contact e-mail address and wrote, "Your unsubscribe instructions in the e-mail are *still* not working. I'm pretty sure there are some FCC regulations against that." I didn't really expect anything to come of the e-mail and didn't know how far I'd take it, and I could easily tell Gmail that their messages are spam anyway. But you know, it felt like the most concise thing I could say that would get my point across.

I received a personal e-mail reply from someone in the company the same day stating that I have been removed from their mailing list, and apologizing for any inconvenience.

This is a small victory in a small matter against a rival I didn't even care to conquer. And immediately I felt sick about what I had done. I had essentially threatened this company, and I didn't even intend to back up my threats. I felt bad for the guy who had to field my e-mail and remove me from the list, and I felt bad that I will forever think of this episode when I think of that company and its web site. I mean honestly, they would have eventually figured out that their unsubscribe instructions don't work and would have fixed the problem, right? And here I had to go and point out a simple error in the form of a threat.

BAM! That was where I hit myself upside the head with my cereal spoon. My stupid, subservient logic, my lazy, passive-aggressive nature, my attitude (or lack thereof) that has kept me from advancing to corner offices my entire adult life is just wrong, wrong, wrong, and now I realize that it has to stop. This little e-mail exchange, of course, is something I should let drop out of my mind right away. Like a disagreement between friends that gets resolved. Like a fight with a spouse, a blowup with your boss. All my life I've tended to fear losing something (or someone) if I treat it badly just one time. I think that has carried over into my problem with confrontation. Like if I blow it, I've lost much more than just the one battle. But I think I have it backwards. If I avoid the battle, I automatically lose. It is of course not all about winning vs. losing, but I think it is about, if you can stomach it, making the world a better place for yourself and those around you. And that's what each battle is about.

So if nothing else, I've succeeded in getting myself off the company's mailing list. And as a bonus, perhaps they're fixing their unsubscribe system so nobody else ever has to go through this. Those people will be happier, and the company will provide better customer service, which might make the company more successful. This small victory of mine might reach farther than I can imagine, improving countless lives. And I have nothing, NOTHING to feel bad about.

As long as that guy really removed me from their list.